too bad you live with your parents still
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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