You can't motorboat a personality
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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