I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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