if i can run in heels then i can drive
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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