i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
