question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i dont even know how to be here
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
