I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
