If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just high enough for therapy.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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