Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
