u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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