you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm bleeding and have questions
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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