i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We were destined to go to rehab together
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
