also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
