Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
