I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
