Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
