I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
