I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
