I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I FOUND THE LEGS
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
