FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
