The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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