if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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