is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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