So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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