I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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