I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
