just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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