you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
