OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize