i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He passed out mid-signature
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
