Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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