i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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