Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
