guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
