Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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