I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
