The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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