so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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