I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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