And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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