just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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