True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
