I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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