my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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