I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
