just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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