I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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