Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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