Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
