soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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