All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
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