It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
