As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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