True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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