I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
