dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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