We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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