the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
