what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
